Infertile?

I have wanted to write this post for the last 3 months. BUT on the other hand I have been dreading writing this post too. I know I fell off the blog earth pretty quickly after starting this blog and gaining followers. I am sorry about that. I've been wrestling with a lot of emotions since May and quite frankly I am still facing them.

You see, this is suppose to be an infertility blog. A place that you can find comfort in knowing that you are in fact not alone and that another person is hurting right all with you. I have always wanted to be considerate of ALL the women who may read this. I have read dozens of infertility blogs. Every time someone announces their pregnancy I truly am happy for them, but at the same time I feel miserable for myself.

So what happens when the infertile are suddenly fertile? Does that mean that you are no longer labeled infertile? No and yes. Does lightening strike twice? Who the hell knows.

Just when we signed up for the IVF, literally the same day that we paid the initial payment, we found out that our 4th IUI worked. At 16pdo. On 14dpo the HPT was negative. I stopped the Crinone and braced myself for my period. 2 days later when it didn't start like the previous 3 cycles, I thought that my body was messing with me because I was actually looking forward to my period. The start of my period meant the start of our IVF journey and that excited me.

I am 17 weeks pregnant now. I still don't believe it and am constantly worrying if I am going to jinx it. We didn't tell my 5 year old until I was 13 weeks and then a few days later we told our families. Next week is our anatomy scan. I have been hanging on to my last vial of unopened Gonal F because I am afraid that donating it will be tempting fate. However, tomorrow I am taking it to my RE's office for donation since I know the next IVF round will be starting soon and I hope that it can help another couple.

I truly do not know if I will continue with this blog or not. I feel very deeply about reaching out to other infertile women. In my area the closest RESOLVE meeting is 3 hours away! Something must be done about that and I have been giving it a lot of thought.

Music Mondays - "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri

No one told me about infertility. This is a powerful video. And a great song. 

"One step closer." "I have died every day waiting for you."

Music Mondays - "Come Tomorrow" by Juliet Lloyd

This is the perfect two week wait song. 

"You're well aware of what you're missing, you count up every sacrifice you've made, but don't you ever stop believing that it's worth it all someday"

Music Mondays - "So Hard" by Dixie Chicks

Music is my therapy and this song is no exception.

"It felt like a given, something a woman is born to do. A natural ambition to see a reflection of me and you.."

Secondary Infertility

I have a slight addiction to youtube videos. This is a good one that explains that feelings you go through when you have secondary infertility. The woman in the video has primary infertility but she hits the nail on the head when describing it. "Don't be greedy", that is something a think about every single day. And I know exactly what I am missing. Pain is pain. Primary or secondary. The ache is within all of us.

Baby dreams

Before my husband and I got married we had decided that we would start trying for a baby right after our wedding. I honestly believed we would have a baby nine months later. I was so confident in fact that I purchased 2 "baby" related items.

I bought this shirt. I had (still have) all of these dreams about announcing our pregnancy by having my daughter where this shirt to a family dinner or celebration with our extended family. Say for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, oh and it could work for 4th of July, or how about President's Day?! Any day! This shirt is a year and a half old. It no longer fits. I won't be buying another until I see those 2 TWO pink lines!

 

And I bought this onesie. It's a personal joke between my husband and I. I know he would love it and laugh, a lot. I had dreamed of putting this onesie into a gift bag with the BFP pregnancy test and surprising him. Now the surprise won't be, "I'm having a baby!". The surprise will be, "we are FINALLY having a baby!!!!!".

Life throws us many obstacles and this path was not one we had expected. One step closer.

Infertility is...

This is a very touching video I found through Fighting for Fertility.