Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Infertile?

I have wanted to write this post for the last 3 months. BUT on the other hand I have been dreading writing this post too. I know I fell off the blog earth pretty quickly after starting this blog and gaining followers. I am sorry about that. I've been wrestling with a lot of emotions since May and quite frankly I am still facing them.

You see, this is suppose to be an infertility blog. A place that you can find comfort in knowing that you are in fact not alone and that another person is hurting right all with you. I have always wanted to be considerate of ALL the women who may read this. I have read dozens of infertility blogs. Every time someone announces their pregnancy I truly am happy for them, but at the same time I feel miserable for myself.

So what happens when the infertile are suddenly fertile? Does that mean that you are no longer labeled infertile? No and yes. Does lightening strike twice? Who the hell knows.

Just when we signed up for the IVF, literally the same day that we paid the initial payment, we found out that our 4th IUI worked. At 16pdo. On 14dpo the HPT was negative. I stopped the Crinone and braced myself for my period. 2 days later when it didn't start like the previous 3 cycles, I thought that my body was messing with me because I was actually looking forward to my period. The start of my period meant the start of our IVF journey and that excited me.

I am 17 weeks pregnant now. I still don't believe it and am constantly worrying if I am going to jinx it. We didn't tell my 5 year old until I was 13 weeks and then a few days later we told our families. Next week is our anatomy scan. I have been hanging on to my last vial of unopened Gonal F because I am afraid that donating it will be tempting fate. However, tomorrow I am taking it to my RE's office for donation since I know the next IVF round will be starting soon and I hope that it can help another couple.

I truly do not know if I will continue with this blog or not. I feel very deeply about reaching out to other infertile women. In my area the closest RESOLVE meeting is 3 hours away! Something must be done about that and I have been giving it a lot of thought.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Music Mondays - "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri

No one told me about infertility. This is a powerful video. And a great song. 

"One step closer." "I have died every day waiting for you."


Monday, June 4, 2012

Music Mondays - "Come Tomorrow" by Juliet Lloyd

This is the perfect two week wait song. 

"You're well aware of what you're missing, you count up every sacrifice you've made, but don't you ever stop believing that it's worth it all someday"


Monday, May 28, 2012

Music Mondays - "So Hard" by Dixie Chicks

Music is my therapy and this song is no exception.

"It felt like a given, something a woman is born to do. A natural ambition to see a reflection of me and you.."


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Secondary Infertility

I have a slight addiction to youtube videos. This is a good one that explains that feelings you go through when you have secondary infertility. The woman in the video has primary infertility but she hits the nail on the head when describing it. "Don't be greedy", that is something a think about every single day. And I know exactly what I am missing. Pain is pain. Primary or secondary. The ache is within all of us.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Baby dreams

Before my husband and I got married we had decided that we would start trying for a baby right after our wedding. I honestly believed we would have a baby nine months later. I was so confident in fact that I purchased 2 "baby" related items.

I bought this shirt. I had (still have) all of these dreams about announcing our pregnancy by having my daughter where this shirt to a family dinner or celebration with our extended family. Say for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, oh and it could work for 4th of July, or how about President's Day?! Any day! This shirt is a year and a half old. It no longer fits. I won't be buying another until I see those 2 TWO pink lines!

And I bought this onesie. It's a personal joke between my husband and I. I know he would love it and laugh, a lot. I had dreamed of putting this onesie into a gift bag with the BFP pregnancy test and surprising him. Now the surprise won't be, "I'm having a baby!". The surprise will be, "we are FINALLY having a baby!!!!!".
Life throws us many obstacles and this path was not one we had expected. One step closer.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Music Mondays - "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless

This is my #1 favorite infertility song. I listen to it several times a day.

"Everybody is scared to death when they decide to take that step." That step for us is IVF and I am terrified.
 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Crinone 8%

As I previously mentioned in my IUI post I don't care too much for the Crinone 8% progesterone. I have used this first morning following my IUI  and continuing through my two week wait. Do not stop taking your progesterone therapy until your doctor says it is okay. A sudden drop in progesterone can lead to a miscarriage.

What does it look like?
 
How to use it
The Crinone 8% comes in single dose tubes. You insert it into your vagina and squeeze the end to push the cream out.  Repeat the whole process again tomorrow morning. I do insert it after my shower. My doctor told me to insert it anytime before 10 a.m..

Cost
For a box of 30 (which is about two IUI cycles worth for me) it costs $475 from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. Our insurance luckily covers this so I just had to pay a $40 co-pay. There has been a couple of times that my clinic has given me samples. So make sure you ask if they have any!

Side Effects (listed on their website)
Breast enlargement; breast pain; changes in sex drive; constipation; cramps; depression; diarrhea; difficult or painful sexual intercourse; drowsiness; fatigue; fluid retention/bloating; headache; increased appetite; joint pain; nausea; nervousness; pain around vaginal area; sleep disorder;  frequent urination at night; vomiting.

My own experience
I personally have noticed breast enlargement; breast pain; cramps; depression; drowsiness; fatigue; fluid retention/bloating; nausea;and frequent urination at night. It is important to note that this side effects could have been caused by any of the meds I may have taken during my IUI cycle. And they all can cause similar side effects. I don't like how it's messy on my underwear. And it tends to clump up and hang out against my cervix. That's the worst pretty. I never feel fully clean. (TMI!)

I have not taken any other forms of progesterone therapy at this point.  For IVF I will be using the Progesterone in Oil shots. Which I hear are a blast too!

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What has been your experience with Crinone? Like it? Dislike it? I would love to hear!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Our IUI cycles


 Here is an overview of how are IUI cycles went. An IUI, Intrauterine insemination, is performed with a catheter that places washed sperm directly into the uterus. It cuts down on the sperm's travel time and deposits them closer to the mature egg(s). All of my IUIs were relatively painless. Some mild cramping during and for a day or so after.

IUI #1: I took 150mg/day Clomid (5 days total), 75iu Gonal F (for a total of 4 days, 300iu), and Ovidrel to trigger. At trigger I had a two 19mm follicles and one 17mm. Hubby's count was 39 million post wash. Not sure of the motility but it's always good. All of my IUIs were 36 hours after the trigger shot. Also with all of my IUIs I experienced cramping several hours before the IUI. These were presumably ovulation cramps. The clinic always assured me that the timing of the IUI were perfect. Since they don't do ultrasounds on the day of IUI I had to just believe that. I have always wondered, what if they are WRONG? After this 1st IUI I immediately went home and stayed in bed for the reminder of the day. My husband left for work out of town so we did not have intercourse until the following night. About 36 hours post IUI. That situation could not be avoided. The doctor told me to take it easy but I wanted to be extra sure. I was so convinced that we would be one and done. I thought we had made a baby with that cycle and the stress and disappointment would all be over. The following morning I always started my Crinone. I don't like Crinone but I'm saving that for another post. I continue with the Crinone until 15dpiui when I get a BFN.

IUI #2: I took 150mg/day Clomid (5 days total), 75iu Gonal F (for a total of 4 days, total 300iu), and Ovidrel to trigger. At trigger I had one 19mm follicle and one 20mm. Hubby's count was 24 million post wash. Following this IUI I went home and rested for about 5 hours and then I resumed my life. We did have intercourse that night about 9 hours post IUI. I was feeling pretty confident. I followed the same procedure with the Crinone and got a BFN, again.

IUI #3:  I took 150mg/day Clomid (5 days total), 75iu Gonal F (for a total of 5 days, total 375iu), and Ovidrel to trigger.At trigger I had one 21mm and one 19mm follicle. Hubby's count was 7 million post wash (there was a little accident with the specimen cup). We did have intercourse that evening. I wasn't feeling very confident at all. Following this IUI I rested for maybe 2 hours and then got up. This is the point that the depression of our situation really began to effect me. The roller coaster is too much to bare sometimes. 15 days later, BFN.

IUI #4:  I took 150mg/day Clomid (5 days total), 150iu Gonal F (for a total of 3 days, total 450iu), and Ovidrel to trigger. Even on double the dose of Gonal F I produced two follicles. One 21mm and 22mm at trigger. Hubby's count was 29 million post wash. I only rested for a few hours and then I went to work. I have a desk job so I don't move around too much. We were not able to have intercourse the day of IUI because of my husband's work schedule. Today I am 11dpiui and I'm pretty sure that I am not pregnant. I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. I know it's still a little early but I do know my body. I am prepared to start IVF.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Introduction

HI! I am taking a huge leap of faith by creating this blog. I am a very private person. The less people that know about my life the better. So why start a blog? Throughout our TTC journey I have tremendously relied on blogs and message boards. Real people with real live infertility issues. Not some generic response on wedmd.com or in a medical journal. I love hearing the success stories and the failures help educate me. So by starting this blog if I can just help ONE woman who is struggling with infertility, then it was completely worth the invasion of privacy.

"When are you going to have a baby?" It's a question we get asked all the time. Never ask anyone this question! You never know what battle they might be fighting. It brings up a wide range of emotions and it's just plain rude or nosy.

My story is simple but yet complicated. I am in my late 20's. I got married young and naturally conceived my daughter. Actually I was on the birth control patch when she was conceived. She was a bit of a surprise! But a true blessing none the less. The baby was born and we divorced. Fast forward a few years and I am happily married to the true love of my life and we have been TTC since the day we got married almost 2 years ago.

I have what is called Secondary Infertility. I have conceived and delivered a child so I must be fertile, right? That's what I believed two years ago. There is no medical reason why we can't conceive. I have mild PCOS and mild Endo. Both are under control and have been for quite some time without the use of meds. Unexplained secondary infertility. It's a hard diagnosis to swallow.

Yes, I label myself as infertile even though I have a beautiful healthy daughter. I deeply sympathize with all of the child-less infertile couples out there. Do I know exactly how they feel? No. I am a mom. It is the greatest joy in my life. However, there is a deep need/ache/want for a 2nd child. A child that is my husband's. I want to experience a pregnancy with him. I know that he will be a rock star in the delivery room. And I already know that he will be a great dad because he is an amazing step-dad. There is also the great desire to give my daughter a sibling. She would be a wonderful big sis!

My body has failed me but I am fighting back! Here's a overview of the treatment we have done so far:

We TTC naturally for 4 cycles. I had a feeling something wasn't right so I went to my OBGYN. I wasn't ovulating so I started Clomid. I call this drug the "devil's drug". I had weight gain and became a very big bitch. I did ovulate on 100 mg but after 4 cycles we still didn't conceive. BTW, my husband's sperm is good quality. Then it was time to see the RE. More blood, ultrasounds, and tests. Nothing was wrong except that I wasn't ovulating on my own. We have done 4 IUIs with injectables (Gonal F and Ovidrel) and Clomid. Each cycle was a different dose. Every cycle I produced at least 2 follicles. One cycle I had 3. So I had good results from the drugs. Still not pregnant.

Right now I am waiting for my period so I can start birth control pills to begin our 1st IVF cycle. When that begins I will be posting more frequently.